Carly Rae Jespen wins "Best Artist": Now Go Away, Maybe?

For six months, the annoying, pseudo-hipster/carefree college girl anthem ("Call Me Maybe") has dominated New York pop stations, which is bad enough in my book. But at least I could get some peace easily by switching the station. Then the song crept into retail store playlists, and my psychotic hatred for both Jepsen and her vapid shit pile of a song was born. The song was inescapable; morning news stations played the song's chorus as a jingle, radio DJs and entertainment blogs sang Jepsen's praises as the next big thing, and the goddamn USA Olympic swim teams sang the song in a video. Even our main newsroom was awash with female journos reciting the asinine chorus.


All the while, I silently wished for the end of Jepsen's career.

So of course the cute Canadian won "Best New Artist" at the American Music Awards last night. Close enough? At least it validates my hatred a little bit more - the last time the award was valid in my book was thirteen years ago, when Eminem won. The past five years of music at the AMAs has been particularly weak and formulaic anyway, with Lady Gaga, despite my personal indifference to most of her music, as the sole highlight in the win column. If you're wondering who I thought should have won this year, it's Frank Ocean. Out of those nominated, anyway.

But the funny thing about winning "Best Artist" - it's no guarantee the artist has any staying power. Winners aren't selected on potential talent, but what's "in" at the moment. So no surprise that Jepsen won, really. Her main competition was a group of boys still too adolescent to grow chest hair. Even if ​they​ had won, my point would still be the same - where will these people be in a few years? Just because they're today's big story doesn't mean they've got any real artistry, as is the case with most record company-produced pop acts. The last winner who's proved they'll be here for a while is Lady Gaga, though her place as the parousia of Madonna is debatable.

Before that, the only winner with lasting power in the decade is Avenged Sevenfold (2005 winners), who are still going strong even after The Rev's death. But even they never had the mega-popularity bubble that acts like Jepsen and Lady Gaga have, so they couldn't have a dramatic submergence from notoriety. Gaga had six top ten singles by the end of 2009, the same year she won Best Artist. Jepsen has one. And now that whatever her quirky charm has bought her is wearing thin, she'll go the way of Macy Gray.

I met you in February Carly, and hey, it was crazy. But I hate your music so, go away maybe?

BMW i8 Concept: The Future?

BMW's been introducing its new "i line" lately, ranging from small, Smart ForTwo-sized citycars (such as the i4) to full-on, holy-crap-that's-gotta-be-fast concepts that can still get a combined40MPG, like the i8.

Pretty, right?


Hey wait a minute...isn't that a Nazca C2? You know, the car BMW was gonna build in the early 90s?

Hm. Well, it's a good design to pick for an overhaul, at least.

NYIAS '11: The Lonely Petrolhead

I’ve been to the car show every year since I was old enough to know what “steering wheel” meant, though I didn’t truly appreciate what I was seeing until I had figured out things like “coilover suspension” and “symmetrical all-wheel drive.”

But one thing that’s remained constant throughout the years aside from my love of all things four-wheeled is my acceptance of crowds. I’ve been a part of this city my whole life, so I learned to shrug off the various unpleasant odors and cacophonous cries of pre-pubescent boys. So this year, when I was able to attend as an official member of the press, I was greeted with quite a culture shock: past the ticket and ID-checking points, the Javits Center was hushed.

No bored wives digressing loudly on their Blackberries, complaining while their husbands are enamored with the models on the Mercedes platforms. No directionless masses stumbling into pictures like Resident Evil zombies brought to life.


Hell, not even any six year olds bawling their brains out because their corn dogs just fell on the ground.


It felt quite inauspicious, indeed. Perhaps even a bit lonely. And BMW’s confectionaries, while monumentally delicious, could not deter me from noticing the lack of energy within the Javits Center. It felt like Broadway circa I Am Legend. I could not help but let the lethargic, understated tone affect my energy towards the end of the day.

More importantly, however, no crowds = I get to look at and extensively inspect anything I damn well please. Now, I constantly check sites like Autoblog and scour the net for press releases, so the big stars of the show weren’t really shocking – the 2012 Focus and Fiesta in particular caught the eyes of many journalists, including my own. I’ve been following the new Focus since its global platform was announced over a year ago, so there were no surprises there – a pretty car that’s good on gas, handles well, comes with either of two fantastic transmissions, and (if you go for that kind of thing) can be loaded up with tech normally reserved for 35K+ cars.

What’s not to like? Were I a family man or planning to become one soon, the Focus would top a very short list of versatile family hatchbacks. Its only true competitor for me is the Elantra Touring, and that’s technically a wagon – a stigma many Americans are still uncomfortable with.

The Fiesta impressed me once again, bringing plenty of new design to the compact world, while keeping some elements I loved about the old ZX3/ZX5: the gauge cluster design and headlight switch, along with the steering wheel feel like direct descendents of the original Focus. And that’s a fantastic thing, because to this day I haven’t found a compact car I like more than the original Focus.

The lime squeeze Fiesta Ford had on display does suffer in the same area that the ZX5 did, however; if the driver is large (like my 6’1, 205 pound self), good luck to the passenger behind him. Some reviewers would mark the Fiesta off for that, but let’s be real here: if you’re carrying passengers often enough for the rear legroom to be a deciding factor in your purchase, you’re shopping in the wrong segment, pal. But if you’re in the market for a small, affordable, good-looking car that handles excellently and fits a big man behind the wheel AND can fit a good amount of luggage/guitar equipment/whatever in the hatch, I present to you your next ride.

Another car that truly impressed me this year was – and I can’t believe I’m going to use “impressed” and this manufacturer’s name in the same sentence – the Buick Regal GS. Yep, the same name that my grandpa (and probably yours) loved is back to kick some ass. With Jaguar XK-like styling, 2.0T engine, AWD, a six-speed manual (in a BUICK?!), and leather/navigation for around 33 large ones, GM had my attention. Sitting in the Regal GS is such a different experience from GM luxury cars of the past, and even some of the present. The new Cadillac CTS, for example, felt about as welcoming inside as a ’99 Cavalier and just as well-built. But this Regal has the space, the comfort, the fit & finish, the style, AND the balls to give the Bavarians and the Japanese a serious kick in the pants. The perfect daily driver for a 30-something family man.

“30 year old man? In a Buick? Man, you’re crazy!” You might think so, but just watch, Buick’s aiming to seriously change the minds of the public and the automotive journalism industry. I can safely say that they’ve got a fan in me. And I’m barely old enough to buy myself a beer.

The last car that caught my eye was a concept from struggling Saab. Again, I can hardly believe I’m saying this, but it’s the first Saab I haven’t been bored by. There are two swooping, raised planes running from the rear quarter panels to the front of the roof; it’s definitely a striking vehicle. Unfortunately it’s a concept, and therefore worth millions, so I couldn’t sit inside. I was free to admire the concept, apparently dubbed “Phoenix,” from the outside, however. Noting the lack of side view mirrors, I took a quick peek inside. Sure enough, within the dash there are two screens displaying the feed from two cameras on the Phoenix’s wings – brilliant. The driver never has to turn his head. It’s definitely a striking vehicle any way you look at it, For Saab’s sake, I hope it can help the company rise from the ashes.

Five hours and some ridiculously expensive champagne later (big ups, Rolls-Royce) later, I had seen everything I wanted to see. Not once was I bothered. Not once did I have to wait to see a vehicle or deal with a stranger fiddling with the sunroof while I’m trying to assess the dash. Definitely a new experience, in many ways much better than all years prior.

But you know what? Driving through the mountains, no matter how good the road, eventually gets lonely. Sometimes you need good company out there, because the best things in life are meant to be shared.

Of Poor Caliber

Southern California is a beautiful place, even during winter. Well, during the traditional "winter" months, anyway, since SoCal's vision of cold weather is sixty degrees. What makes an excursion in the land of steady sun even more enjoyable than the scenery is eating freeway miles and mountain passes with the right automobile. I was excited; I figured I could at least get a Focus or a Fiesta. Hell, after seeing the choice in front of me, I would've killed for a '96 Cavalier with a blown head gasket and blood dripping from the center console.

Alas, when I arrived at the San Diego Enterprise to select my holiday hire-car for the week, I was greeted by an obnoxiously cheerful employee who insisted on an "upgrade." He was pushing a sales pitch for a red Charger rather intensely, likely hoping that it would appear to a Neanderthal urge inside me like all good Dodges should (1970 Charger R/T anyone?). Much to his dismay however, I knew I'd be driving far too much to want a fake muscle car best suited for balding white men with beer guts. So I walked right past the red guzzler, hoping for a good selection in the "mid-size" section of the lot.

I had one option before me: a white Chrysler Sebring, notorious for being poor in all aspects...or another white Mopar:

If I'm honest, I would've taken that old 300ZX in the background any day of the week. Twice on Sundays.

Yep, I took the Caliber. I figured that that hatch would be useful for my luggage as I trekked through south and central California. And unlike the Sebring, the Caliber wasn't known for blowing transmissions to Mars. Also unlike the Sebring, I hoped the Caliber would have some kind of charm that could win me over in an underdog sort of way.

But it does share one essential trait with the Sebring - it's rubbish. It wasn't one or two niggles here or there that tipped the good car/bad car scale for me. There is nothing good about this car.

Maybe that's being unfair. There must be something redeeming about it.

It didn't have a "Lickety Split" vinyl pasted on the sides. That's a plus.

It does fit in well with the urban landscape, despite Dodge's apparent attempt to make an offroader out of the poor thing. The white bull did sort of feel at home in downtown San Diego as we lumbered past Mexican-inspired architecture towards the financial district. It felt faddish.

But like all fads, it lacked sustainability and real charm. Like Trapper Keepers and the PT Cruiser convertible.

I thank all that is holy for the death of this abomination.

I tried to look past the macabre styling. I hoped it'd perform better than it looked, because it sure wouldn't win any beauty pageants.

Alas, I was disappointed the moment I turned the ram-branded key. The engine note is nearly inaudible at idle, which is a good thing in the long run for most drivers I suppose. But a weak start up usually belies a weak driving experience. And Lou Ferigno the Caliber isn't. During normal driving, the Caliber's exhaust note is unobtrusive to say the least; at times, I forgot I was driving.

That is, until I pressed slightly on skinny pedal, and the Caliber's CVT reared its ugly head. There are no gears like a traditional transmission (hence the name - Continuously Variable Transmission), instead the Dodge transmits power through an expanding and retracting belt. Cool concept, right?

Until you drive it. While the idea is novel, the lack of physical gears gives the Caliber an incredibly tall "gear" ratio. Meaning, acceleration is decidedly not one of this car's strengths. Actually, that's an understatement - I think I could run onto an interstate sporting a pair of PF Flyers while dousing myself with kerosene and a pack's worth of matches, and it'd still be a safer merge than the Caliber's. I know I'm a more performance-oriented driver than most, but I promise this isn't me being a scraggly, reckless youth. The Caliber is pathetically, even dangerously slow - through the mountain road of I5 connecting Los Angeles and Bakersfield, the ice cream truck huffed and puffed but could barely keep pace with traffic at 2000 feet.

What's that you say? "Why didn't you just go faster?" A good question, and a good segue into the next major problem with the CVT: it "downshifts" whenever you breathe on the throttle. There is absolutely no way to be smooth with the Caliber. I know I might come off pedantic for saying so, considering I drive a Malibu now, but trust me. This thing was more frustrating to modulate than the twin disc-clutched, light-flywheeled, untuned Evo I learned to drive manual on.

And I drove that back from the Bronx on the FDR drive and Cross-Bronx Expressway during rush hour. Still the Caliber was worse.

So how does it handle? For some reason that to this day befuddles me, Dodge equipped the SXT model I had with 18s. Yes, 18s on an "economy" car from the factory, 215/55/18 to be exact. At a glance, it seems fantastic - wide tires for an entry level auto, and lower profiles on the Caliber try to downplay the van look. But I couldn't help noticing that these additions probably made the car even worse than it had to be. The Caliber has a surprisingly comfortable ride that you don't normally see in this segment, which is a plus. However, it accomplishes this feat because its suspension is very soft, which means the car will lean a lot. But that's okay, because this isn't the SRT, right?

Normally, that'd be true. But what Dodge did by throwing those large, heavy 18s on the Caliber with lower profile tires is made it into an understeering pig. Sure, the steering was lazy to begin with (but I've yet to find an electrical power steering system that isn't), but the stiff sidewalls and increased wheel mass kill a lot of the turn-in angle the soft suspension provides. The energy is dispersed and wasted, and the tires can't grip well. The car would be better with 16s, which would probably be just big enough to clear the Caliber's front disc brakes. No worries about the back, though, because Dodge opted to stick with drums. As you might expect, the Caliber stops...sort of. Eventually. I once drove a wrecked '97 Altima with better stopping power.

I'm not sure why they prioritized gigantic wheels over better brakes, especially on the second most expensive non-performance model of the line. I'm more concerned with stopping for the child in the road than watching my wheels shine in the light as I drive, personally.

But if you drive a Dodge...well, big shiny things are probably more important to you. Explains why Dodge is still putting chrome accents everywhere they can, even though it stopped being cool years ago.

2013 Malibu: A Contender, Finally?

GM's been pretty skimpy with details about the next generation Malibu, but they've recently released another teaser picture of the next generation's center console.

I like the looks of it, but functionality is another story. I assume it would work much like Ford's MyTouch, but I haven't tried that yet either.

Obviously this isn't the competition for the Focus, but the Fusion/Mondeo, Sonata, Accord, Camry, and Altima. Hopefully GM is going to step their game up more than they did with the Cruze so they'll be true competition.

Gridlock Around CSI: Catch 22

It's 6:15; your 4:40 class has let out early. Fantastic. Now it's time to make a mad dash to your car in order to preempt CSI's infamous gridlock.

But you're not alone. Thousands of other students have the same idea, and they're powerwalking harder than a Ft. Lauderdale granny. Inside your head, a debate rages: if you walk normally, those five extra minutes your godlike professor has blessed you with will be wasted. You'll certainly be mired in the sea of tail lights and exhaust fumes.

If you step your game up a bit, you've got a shot to get off campus before that ditz in the blue Civic. Look at her, wearing those ridiculous bug-eye sunglasses even though it's already dark out. You really want to lose to her?

Or you could go all out, appearances be damned. Usain Bolt would be proud, gazing upon your majestic form sprint across two lawns and half a parking lot to reach your ride.

There's no time to waste. After you finally reach your vehicle, hurl your books into your passenger seat, assuming you don't have a passenger. Do it anyway if you have one. Call it collateral damage, an understood risk your companion accepted when they asked for a ride. A few papercuts and a bloody nose are worth it if you don't get caught in gridlock.

Except that, no matter how quickly you move, or how aggressively you leave your parking spot, you'll still be forced to wait in the queue. Take your pick of exits: Forest Hill, Victory, or even that semi-secret exit between 2R and the gravel lot. None is any better than the others.

So what is to be done? More exits, you say? More peace officers and NYPD Traffic to regulate the flow? A double-lane Campus Drive? This is madness!

Yes. But this is also Staten Island.

The fact of the matter is that, despite any advances the administration could make within the campus grounds, they can't fix the main problem: the outlying streets. Victory Boulevard is one of the island's main arteries, granting access to much of the mid-island and North shore areas in addition to thruways to Brooklyn and Jersey. It's going to be crowded for the majority of the day, every day.

Many students know that though, so they try to go out the "back door": Forest Hill. The problem with that area is that the City of New York obviously never expected or accounted for the ludicrous density of traffic the area sees these days. So there's one lane going off campus to one lane on Forest Hill Road for thousands of cars attempting to vacate the premises.

The road runs as only a single lane down to Richmond Avenue, two miles from campus. That's a long way to send a few thousand cars at rush hour. Naturally, the intersection of Forest Hill Avenue and Rockland Avenue exacerbates the problem; it's not a three-way light, despite the intersection's popularity as a cross-street for students heading towards Bay Terrace and New Dorp. The queue backs up farther and farther, and quite quickly the small Forest Hill exit is overwhelmed. And you wondered why it takes nearly half an hour to get off campus that way.

The tertiary exit is only open after 4:40, so it's a no go if you're looking to leave during the noon - two PM rush. It leaves you on Willowbrook Road, which is only really useful if you live in Emerson or Todt Hill. However, you can also construct a route to West Brighton from that exit, so long as you know how far down Slosson Avenue runs and what it intersects with. Take Slosson down to Martling, and cut across to Clove Road. If you're lucky you'll avoid a hell of a lot of traffic that way.

But if you're part of the majority who use the other two exits, what are you to do? Does Navigator Vincent have a magical route for you?

Nope. We're all screwed. Staten Island is overpopulated, and CSI is over-enrolled. Gridlock is just a side effect, folks. Time to blow up some cars. Anyone got a rocket launcher?

Five Things Your Car Doesn't Need

As brought to you by MSN Autos.

Most of the descriptions are only snippets of information, but they ring true regardless - e.g. if you aren't tuned for 93 instead of 87, running 93 will not help you or your engine. Unless your idea of helping your engine is knocking and forcing the ECU to retard or advance timing, you sadist.

Second, concerning nitrogen-filled tires: why in the name of all that's logically sound would anyone be duped into believing that pumping nitrogen would be beneficial? Think back to grade school, kiddies; atmospheric "air" is almost 80% nitrogen. Even if there was an upside to switching, it'd be insignificant at best. On a good day. If the nitrogen was blessed by the Pope. Twice. Add to that the facts that you have to pay to get the nitrogen, plus they over-inflated your tires, and it's simply moronic. I understand what they're doing, that's the scam = they over-inflate your tires so less of the rubber contacts the tarmac, therefore lower rolling resistance and some increase in MPG. But then, without that proper contact, you lose grip and prematurely wear your tires. I'll stay old school on this one, thanks.

Third - wait, what? Do I really need to say anything about "magic fuel-saving" items? If you're foolish enough to believe those ads and not do any research, you deserved to be ripped off. The same goes for cure-alls that promise to "make your car like new." Next.

That brings me to the final snippet, the only one I find myself disagreeing with: wheels, stereo systems, and other electronics. The MSN author, James Tate, takes a wholly pragmatic and not completely unfathomable position - leave your car alone, spending money on silly things like that will not help the resale value of your car.

And that opinion is fine. If you're 70 and drive a Camry to bingo in Ft. Lauderdale. And you don't want to know anything about your car except to "stick it in D and go." What about normal car guys, though? If you want to spend $900 on a set of these beauties (Enkei RPF1's) with tires,



what's wrong with that? Lighter wheels and better rubber than stock is always a good thing if you care about handling. Which you should, since it's just a bit important to have a good-handling car.

A better head unit and set of speakers is always an upgrade too, especially if you're an audiophile like myself.

Sure, these things might not add to the resale value of a car, but honestly, if you're worried so much about resale value, you either own the wrong car (e.g. a new Accord sedan) or you're missing the enjoyment of driving.



If you don't like that, you might be in the wrong hobby.

Rock It Like Block: the New Fiesta and Why You Should Buy Hatchbacks

Ken Block's been rocking a Fiesta WRC for a few months now, and he seems to like it.

See, America? Hatchbacks never were uncool, you've just been unwilling to embrace them ever since the rise of the SUV. But your Sequoia can't do this.



Let's see you pull that off in a Hummer after dropping the kids off.

The Next Fun Family Sedan? Have the Japanese Done It Again?

The mid-size affordable sedan market is as diverse as the main hall of the United Nations; the Koreans, Americans, Japanese, and Germans all sit around the table, offering their various goods and ideals to the North American market. With such a multitude of manufacturers, it'd be no surprise if the cars, while all ultimately aimed at the same crowd (families), bring differing philosophies to the plate.

In the last series of makeovers and model generations, the underdog and plucky Mazda6 won my heart. It was smaller than the rest of its competitors, but also lighter and less apologetic about being a car. It didn't have a plushy ride like a Malibu and the steering inspired a level of confidence not often seen in a car of its class, unlike a Camry. But the Mazda6 didn't just come out of left field - it was a 12 year-old boy with his hat on backwards running onto the grass.

And he turned out to be one of the best, albeit also one of the most ignored at what he did. So Mazda decided he'd be "beefed up" in the redesign, targeting a more "serious" mainstream crowd. Not the first time an automaker's done that in recent years, and I can't really blame them for doing it. Example: remember the 2000-era Altima? Kind of small for a mid-size, but tough and likable. It was a cellar-dweller in sales, so Nissan introduced a bigger, beefier Altima around 2003 with a VQ-series 270HP V6 option. Sales ballooned as much as the Altima's body.

So, where is the family man to aim his sights if he wants something that's affordable, good to look at, reasonable to insure, safe, and inexpensive enough to repair (sorry VW, but getting German parts will still cost you big time)?



This looks promising: the Suzuki Kizashi. The front fascia is reminiscent of the 5th generation Jetta, but that's not a particular problem for me. the tribute to Deutscheland continues 'round the back with a very BMW E92 5-series look. I'm not the biggest fan of the E92, but again, there are worse cars to draw influence from.

But looks only tell half of the story; Suzuki's biggest selling point of the Kizashi is its optional AWD system. Build your Kizashi the right way and, in theory, you could have a good-looking, affordable sedan that's got monumental grip and control for around 23 grand. And you wouldn't have a small, spartan piece of machinery like you'd get from Subaru for that price. Sounds good. A little too good.

Here's the bombshell, and it's a pretty big one: the AWD system is only available with a CVT. I'm sorry, but every enthusiast knows you just don't get the same feeling with an automatic, especially a CVT automatic. And I'm sorry, but with the way I'd want the Kizashi optioned as a father/family man, in GTS trim with fog lights and AWD, it comes to ~ $26,700. That's very close to what I'd pay for a Subaru WRX 5-door. And that has a real transmission and [arguably] the best AWD system in the world.

Sorry, Suzuki. The allure just isn't there once you know there's no six-speed manual transmission/AWD combination and no engine choice (185HP is all you'll get in a Kizashi). Maybe you'll steal some sales from the Koreans in lower model forms, but once the price goes past 22 grand, you're just out of your element, and not unique enough to be a true underdog. It looks like cars like the original Mazda6 just won't exist anymore.

Sorry, kid. You coulda been a contenda.